I imagine there’s some parent out there like me right now. Spring weather finally crooks a finger, beckoning our kids outside…but as the end of the school year looms, there’s unfinished schoolwork (or just today’s chores) you’re not actually sure your child will accomplish. Like, ever. Tasks are colliding like an interstate pileup. How do you motivate a child without losing your ever-loving mind?

Well, I left my magic wand in my other computer. But in short, you’re searching for your unique child’s motivation DNA. As you consider how to motivate your child, here are a few thought’s I’m typing for my own sake.

Don’t just default to ways you’re personally motivated.

So here’s a question oddly relevant. With tasks you both want to do and don’t, what primarily motivates you to raise your bum from a chair and get ‘er done?

I’m guessing some of your answers, dear readers, fall into categories like these.

• I want to do the right thing.
• If someone thinks I should, I do.
• I’m motivating by achieving/getting things done.
• Let’s go with how I feel about it–following my energy levels, desire, comfort levels, etc.
• I like feeling secure.
• Let’s do what sounds like the most fun.
• If you want me to do it…I actually don’t want to do it.
• Making a unique contribution is important to me.
• I like feeling in control.

Observation: For a long time, I’ve attempted to motivate my kids using the same ways I’m motivated.

Personally, I’m an Enneagram 2 with a huge 3 wing. (IYou may have conflicting feelings about the Enneagram. It’s all the rage lately, drawing both legitimate Christian praise as well as concern.  I’ve written about how I personally have employed it as a faith tool to expose some of my core motivations…and sins.)

This means pleasing/serving others, along with achievement, are highly motivating for me.

Know how your child’s motivation is different–and where the power of motivation should end.

Let’s take my eldest, who at his core, is quite different from me. When I try to convince him people will just love something! Or energize him with a goal! ...Well. He turns and walks out of the room.

If writing a handbook for him–an Enneagram 8, partly driven by his need to be against something–I’d title chapter one, Respect His Autonomy. As my mom used to put it when he was little, “He’s a lot more willing if he thinks it’s his idea.”

So for him, I emphasize his adult choice on whether to do the right thing.

Does this mean I abdicate teaching my oldest an obedient heart? That I’m always on the make for how to manipulate him and his desires?

No way. That doesn’t deal with a core heart issue of rebellion in his heart.

…Just like manipulating me as a kid through parental delight would have ignored my heart issues of being a wee little Pharisee, who basks in the praise of men: “They do all their deeds to be seen by others” (Matthew 23:5).

In the same vein, distracting a preschooler from their Oscar-worthy fit in the housewares aisle at Target (or worse, giving them candy or a screen, which could act as a reward) doesn’t actually help deal with their heart.

And BTW: Our kids don’t need to be constantly motivated by something other than obedience or doing what’s right or loving. Sometimes they just need to do the hard thing, like the rest of us have learned to do as adults.

The caveat: How not to use your knowledge of how to motivate a child.

This is a tool for God’s kingdom–to continue to woo our kids toward His ways. It’s a way to raise our kids according to their unique bent (Proverbs 22:6), working with their natural momentum rather than constantly uphill.

For my artistic daughter, art and creativity are natural ways to draw her into God’s Word or serving people or a thriving prayer life. My energetic last-born dives into The Action Bible and the outlandish humor of What’s in the Bible with Buck Denver? 

Finding out how our kids are motivated isn’t a tool to use for our kingdom, our will be done. 

And that’s why it’s key to know how we as parents are motivated. Because our own goals to motivate a child aren’t always pure.

We might feel shame if our child doesn’t achieve or look the right way. It might be disproportionately embarrassing if our child has poor social skills. We might feel fear if they’re struggling with anxiety or depression, causing us to be reactive rather than helpful, compassionate, and wise.

As parents, we rarely want things entirely for the good of our child and the good of God’s Kingdom. It’s great to want our kids to achieve or be classy or be healthy. But those need to fall in their proper order, not swelling into shame (on us, or cast on them) or inordinate anxiety.

We need to tease out our real desires. Then we can offer those longings to God’s control–and they’ll possess less power to manipulate us from behind.

Time for a two-column list.

Take time to prayerfully observe what makes your child want to do things. If they love cheerleading, why do they love it? Does your daughter love the precise, controlled outcomes of science? Does your son value speech and debate because he wants a unique opinion?

Try this two-column list.

1. Possibly with a spouse’s help, create a “brain dump” of what your child loves. To what are they naturally drawn? Think, too about the reasons you suspect for that motivation, beneath the activities themselves.
2. Then, with God’s workmanship and the unique makeup of your child in mind–not remaking your child in your own image!–make a (short) list of key target behaviors.

How can you wisely (and prayerfully) tie a motivator to a behavior? 

Obviously, keep an eye to emotional health. If your child lives for his 45 minutes of screen time at the end of the day, taking it all away to get him to chew with his mouth closed, for the love of Mike could seem unjust, making your child feel misunderstood.

Or is it truly wise to take away time with friends for your homeschooled child?

As you can, talk to your child–and ask questions–about how they’re motivated, and what you perceive. All of us need to know how to get our own motors running.

How to motivate a child: What you can’t do.

When we first have kids, God gives us a kindness–the understanding we can have some level of control, some ability to shape our kids. We understand there are clearly ways to motivate a child (taking away consequences, giving rewards), and we possess a lot of them.

But as they inch closer to adulthood, kids undergo that healthy process of differentiation; of becoming someone different than we are. As a veteran missionary once told me,

When your kids turn about 11, you really start hitting your knees. You realize you really can’t change their hearts.

And that’s been my own critical lesson in this season of teens. (Sometimes this lesson feels like fear galloping through me like wild horses.)

I can and should do everything in my power to shape my kids toward God. But as Paul reminds me,

I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. (1 Corinthians 3:6-7)

It’s God who ultimately changes my kids’ hearts. I remember the ancient story of Ruth, who

• trusted God by leaving her home country.
• worked diligently, getting out in the fields to harvest.
• watched as God shocked her sandals off by doing far more than she imagined–not only bringing her a stellar husband but giving her a child–and ancestor of Jesus.

No, there’s no promise that if we parent well and trust God, we’ll have motivated, phenomenal kids. (Remember, God is the father figure in the story of the prodigal son).

But continuing to seek God on how to motivate them toward him and his ways? That’s worth my effort.

Like this post? You might like

• When Your Child is Different from What You Expected
• The Scribbled Heart: Fear-parenting vs. Faith-parenting
• Bouncing Back: Helping Your Child Open the Gift of Failure
• When Your Child’s Weaknesses Feel Overwhelming
• Why and how to tell kids, “It’s okay not to be perfect”