There’s always this weird tension for me when summer break splats on our family like an ice cream cone on a sidewalk.
The kids are fatigued, even exhausted, from school. Heck, I’m tired from the school year.
Reading Time: 4 minutes
So now that I’m a mom of teenagers and all their weirdness, we talk about things like we did last week: Is it okay to date a non-Christian?
This naturally means I have introduced things like oxen into our conversations before (cue the “unequally yoked” verse, 2 Corinthians 6:14). What’s a good dating conversation without lowing livestock?
But it’s easier for them to understand the conveyor belts.
Imagine you’re on one of the conveyor belts for people at the airport. Now, imagine trying to hold hands with someone on the belt headed the opposite way.
How’s that going to work out?
It works for a dating illustration. But that assumes all of me is headed in one direction.
Have you ever felt like the conveyor belts inside of you are headed all over the place?
I’ve noticed lately that when I’m not rested–physically, emotionally, and spiritually listening to God’s rhythms and my own limitations–I am more scattered.
And from the perspective of a girl coming from Africa? Americans are scattered a lot.
Now I’m one of them. Huzzah.
I compare this to what, in Hebrew, is known as the shema (pronounced she-MA), the most important Jewish prayer. Here’s the beginning:
Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. (Deuteronomy 6:4-5)
It fascinates me that God is described, of all things, as one. He is utterly unified.
And then we are commanded to be utterly unified, loving God with all of us.
Compare this to verses describing us as double-minded, like James 1:8–describing the person who doesn’t have faith. I see one conveyor belt motoring this person to obey God, and one delivering her away.
In fact, later in James, we are told to “purify your hearts, you double-minded” (4:8). In case that seems weird–linking purity with double-mindedness–think of gold. Purified gold is one substance.
Like God. (i.e, Not like yours truly.)
Observation: I am stressed by my desires pushing me in different ways. By demands I care about, pulling me–Supermom Wannabe–nearly apart. Like Gumby in mom jeans.
From one supermom wannabe to another: With all this, it is hard to do things wholeheartedly.
When I am with my children, I may not fully be with them. I may not be enjoying it because I wish I could be sleeping, or might be anxious about finishing all my client wants me to do.
(Ever felt like you’re different people when you’re with different groups of friends? You’re getting this.)
I’m the classic example of “No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other…” (Matthew 6:24).
My conveyor belts are headed all over the place, and usually away from each other–maybe with a confused kid holding a teddy bear on one.
In Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership, Ruth Haley Barton quotes a doctor who explains how many fewer tests he orders when he has rest.
The doctor explains that when he hasn’t rested, his intuition feels off. He wonders what he’s missing. He orders more tests to compensate.
Anyone else do this? In momspeak, throwing activities up on their schedule without intentionality or thought?
Here’s the caveat of all of this: Rest will not make me unified.
Until heaven, I will not be driven by one desire, into all the right directions.
I will always be sacrificing something to pursue the higher desire.
Like an Olympian who doesn’t buy chips at the grocery store, I have to say the right no’s to get to the right yeses. (If I go to the store hungry, my cart is likely to be full of a whole lotta Ruffles.)
But I do think Western culture exaggerates this in us, with its smorgasboard of ways to satisfy our appetites.
Part of the allure of the Supermom is to do it all. Have the meaningful career, thriving kids, authentic friends, toned body, chic wardrobe, magazine-perfect house, intimate marriage, Pinterest-perfect birthday parties, rejuvenating hobbies.
If I may put it delicately? That, my friends, is a Supermom crock.
These women, myself among them all too often, will be stressed because they have, like, 42 conveyor belts.
But God’s solution is not less desires. It’s to love Him with all of myself; all my desires (see the shema). My whole heart.
Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4)
Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name. (Psalm 86:11)
One conveyor belt. One direction.
When You’re Tired of Driving All the Good Stuff
Deep(ly) Fried, Part I: Burnout
25 Ways it is Okay to Fail as a Mom
Reading Time: 6 minutes
But I’m sure it was no easy feat. Our team consisted of 90 teenagers (not a typo). Tents were lined up with military precision, and meals were planned down to the number of boxes of macaroni and the packets of oatmeal.
In a similar spirit, free time wasn’t called free time, but “O Time”: Organized time. As in, be intentional. Don’t fritter it away.
I’ve thought about this as an adult–the healthy part of it, and the unhealthy part. I like to be intentional about free time, because mine feels like it vanishes like a bunny in a hat. And then hops away with tenacity and feeling. I hate that feeling of “Oh, shoot! I wanted to bake a mincemeat pie and ride my unicycle, and instead I got distracted by watching Dick Van Dyke reruns.”
Or y’know. Whatever.
I mean, did Jesus have “O Time”? Was he that intentional? Or is that making even my Sabbath…distinctly American? (If you wrestle with this like I do, please, please click here for Ideas to Take Back Your Sabbath.)
Though I learned so many things that summer, something was lost for my particular overachieving, people-pleasing, never-let-them-see-you-rest personality (/sins). Something about O Time felt absent of the grace to simply…be.
So as you evaluate how to steer your kids in the long, lazy days of summer, I’d first observe your kids and their personality.
Do you have
What would a full, wholehearted, rich summer look like from your perspective, and your kids’? This part of “O Time” is great: Intentionality, so you don’t get to August without riding your metaphorical unicycle.
Think (prayerfully) about questions like these.
If even our summers are overcommitted, taxing, and structured to the hilt, our kids might not develop that essential need to sink into God’s Sabbaths, his times of feasting and pure happiness (again–a post that’s In Praise of Sabbath). Contrary to popular belief, summer vacation didn’t start so kids could help in the fields.
Interestingly, there aren’t a lot of Bible verses about playing. But I did find a reference to peace and prosperity in Zion: “And the streets of the city shall be full of boys and girls playing in its streets” (Zechariah 8:5).
Sounds like a happy city, to God, has some playtime for kids.
I also think that in general, Western families run at the pace of Navy SEALs with ADHD, maybe being chased by a swarm of bees carrying horsewhips. Are we setting patterns that “normal” means running at max capacity?
Are we communicating, subtly as a bullhorn, that we should always be performing, always achieving, always pushing ourselves, always on?
So basically, I have minimal theology backing this up. Most of my thoughts are cultural–like the fact that my kids will be working their entire lives.
Or that kids learn immensely through play.
Or that, like in this post, there’s A Mountain of [Surprising] Reasons to Get Our Kids Outdoors this Summer (…and Maybe Follow Them).
I’m not setting our family up as some stellar example. (That would be a bad idea.) But if we were standing together at the playground, this is what I’d tell you.
I’m still linking chores to screen time, though my kids are old enough not to use the popsicle stick system. My kids do two chores for 20 minutes of screen time. They get an extra 5 for making their bed, and an extra 5 for doing a quiet time. Those chores could involve anything from raking to folding laundry to making dinner.
Most of them have selected a reward of their choice, and agreed on a goal with me of how many Bible verses they’re willing to memorize to achieve their “prize.” Click here for the Spiritual Disciplines for Real Families series. There are a ton of (actually fun) ideas.
I’ve asked them each to select a way they could serve the church or another family over the summer.
We’ve noticed an uptick in disrespect…so have implemented a 10-pushup rule for overreacting and rude responses.
One of my children may or may not have done 140 pushups in one day last week. (But I put the penalty on myself, too–and had to do 30 on a day when I was not responding very much like Jesus. But the same son tells me I will be ripped.)
School-wise, my suppressed inner homeschooler has decided my kids will do 30 minutes of school. Usually, this means alternating between something they’re great at, and something that’s hard for them.
My kids will go to youth group and camp and Grandma’s, and will participate in some sports. It works for our family because living in a small town, they can easily bike to a lot of activities.
Don’t miss the links below for lots of creative ideas for kids on break.
We go to the library and cart home more than our proportionate share of books–mostly stuff that just interests my kids, but I also ask them to pick up one they can learn something from. I purchase some strategic (usually highly visual) used books and leave them out (this summer I’m getting a reading list from this book and this one), usually finding one languishing with a kid in an arm chair.
We do some read-alouds at night, and check out audiobooks from the virtual library, too.
Well. That’s the idea anyway. So the structure helps. (I get up early to get work done while the kids sleep in. It takes some pressure off when they start fighting. Maybe they can come fight at your house?)
I work from home so I can be a part of their moments. So as much as the stress has ratcheted up…it’s worth it for me to be here, which sometimes means stepping away and just making fun happen.
I also find having friends over–that whole “subtraction by addition” thing–works well for us.
But sometimes it just means I schedule something fun a few times a week: Going to the army surplus store. Making waffles for breakfast. Calling kids’ friends to join us as I work poolside at the local aquatic center.
And not being afraid of my kids being bored. Because pretty soon, bored makes kids creative.
It was literally snowing here in Colorado during the first two days of summer break–so my kids decided to have a cooking competition. I won’t tell you about the mess they had to clean up–but the afternoon of creativity was well worth it. They got the science experiment book I love out, too.
Reading Time: 3 minutes
After the all-too-recent my-kid-might-have-lymphoma scare? There are some things that have been going right.
For one, after a year of doing my freelance writing and marketing for my only employment, I filed for my own business. I am now the owner of Fresh Ink, LLC. So that’s pretty cool.
And somehow, I’m receiving a windfall of client possibilities and realities I’m pretty excited about.
But something was strange this week: at least two days where I dealt with anxiety. Not panic attacks or anything of that sort–though I know those are real for many people. But more of a low-lying GAHHHHH! That’s not usually me.
Thankfully, I don’t feel like my family is getting the business end of that in any major ways, which is significant for me (and my anger problem).
But I talked to a mentor of mine this morning, also a writer. Paraphrasing my question, how do you know when you’re involved in too many good things?
I think of God’s words to Moses:
What you are doing is not good. You will surely wear yourself out, both you and these people with you. For the task is too heavy for you; you cannot do it alone. (Exodus 18:17-18)
I’ll include his answers below–and you might want to check out The Dangers of Overcommitment, The True Cost of Overcommitment, and Your opportunity…vs. Your Call. (Man. I probably should, too.) I also found a lot of good thoughts in Ruth Barton’s Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership, which I can’t recommend highly enough.
After living so many years out of the country, I’m amazed at how my American ideals of achievement and performance really do color my interpretations of thriving Christianity. I think too highly of myself. My “ministry “plans can be ego-driven plans. I lack the humility to embrace the limits of my humanity, the boundaries God’s put in place. I find identity in what I do for God, rather than what he has done for me.
So I have to constantly re-center my soul on “Kingdom culture” instead–looking under the hood to check out my warning lights.
Shall we?
Reading Time: 5 minutes
Around his birthday last year, I mentioned to my husband the number of people who’d wished him a warm HBD on Facebook. My daughter, listening, asked if he’d received a lot of cards. “I used to get a lot. But people don’t do that much anymore,” he shrugged.
We’ve all got more than enough to do–and plenty of “shoulds”, right? I’m truly not wanting to add more. But I’ve found writing notes actually makes me…happier.
It makes sense. Harvard Health reports,
Dr. Martin E. P. Seligman, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania, tested the impact of various positive psychology interventions on 411 people…
When their week’s assignment was to write and personally deliver a letter of gratitude to someone who had never been properly thanked for his or her kindness, participants immediately exhibited a huge increase in happiness scores. This impact was greater than that from any other intervention, with benefits lasting for a month. (emphasis added)
One of my mom’s legacies, I’m convinced, is the prolific nature with which she sends greeting cards–to my family, included. She left a thank you note for my daughter after staying in her room over the holidays. She sent a note when our dog died. She occasionally slips in one to let me know she’s praying for me, or that she’s proud of me.
It’s easier than you’d think.
My hope is to get a few more postcards in the mail to my nieces and nephews this year.
So in keeping with scientific evidence–a study once found that when people ate popcorn while watching a movie, they actually reported higher levels of enjoyment of the movie. (Big surprise: Food makes us like things more.) Food is a spectacular wheel-greaser for relationships.
We know the early church “devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer” (Acts 2:42). There are tons of references to hospitality as hallmarks of what following Jesus looks like.
Maybe it’s because we’re the ones welcomed in with open arms, just as we are.
But there’s ballet. A late night at work. Soccer practice. Homework. Church stuff. It’s hard to find time to just…be together.
Usually when we speak of hosting people, we’re counseled by those who would have us prepare the perfect cheese tray or build a sparkling centerpiece with coordinated dishware. Which in my mind…can miss the point of hospitality a little. It’s great to honor people with a “prepared place”! But it’s so easy for me to shift into Impress Your Friends mode.
I contrast this with our family’s visits to our African friend Monica, who lived in a lower-income area of Kampala. She and her daughters lived in a single room separated by a sheet partition. She served likely our simplest meal with friends ever–and yet was among the most honoring of the times we’ve shared dinner with someone. You’ve gotta read her story. (And here are more easy ideas on helping kids grow in real hospitality–not the “here’s how to make your family look fantastic” kind.)
Ideas:
Because relationships are too important to be overshadowed by showmanship.
In my first post-college position as a project manager, my boss gave me wise advice: Always get the closest degree of interpersonal communication you can.
That meant that while it might have saved time zipping over an email to a colleague or even making a phone call rather than schlepping across the office–we honor someone’s humanity with every incremental degree to which we show up in person.
Call rather than text. Phone rather than email. And whenever you can, get face-to-face.
You already know a significant portion (some estimate 70%) is nonverbal. Imagine how much can be misunderstood by subtracting 70%! Even if you’re a gifted communicator, words are never the same as seeing someone before your eyes. You’re communicating the emotion and value that only physical presence can afford. And that’s no matter how many emojis you’ve got at your disposal.
God sent himself into our mess, in the flesh (John 1:14).
So:
Healthline reports that social media “depression, anxiety, poorer sleep quality, lower self-esteem, inattention, and hyperactivity” in teens. Furthermore, says a new study,
“What we found overall is that if you use less social media, you are actually less depressed and less lonely, meaning that the decreased social media use is what causes that qualitative shift in your well-being,” said Jordyn Young, a co-author of the paper and a senior at the University of Pennsylvania.
Americans are more isolated, and young people in particular are more lonely--finding more quantitative but less qualitative interactions in social media. We statistically have less confidantes than ever.
What stands between you and more real, fulfilling relationships?
And what could be waiting on the other side?
Reading Time: 2 minutes
But, as I like to be reminded by Peter Scazzero, we’re human beings, not human doings. We are more than what we do, more than our usefulness, like some machine or hired hand.
Reading Time: 2 minutes
This year, I’ve kicked off 2017 with questions to help us pursue our relationship with the most potential for fulfillment and gut-level happiness, no matter what’s around the corner. (Check out the previous two sets here and here!)
Reading Time: 2 minutes
This year, I’ve kicked off 2107 with questions to help us pursue our relationship with the most potential for fulfillment and gut-level happiness, no matter what’s around the corner. (Check out the previous set here!)
1. At times when I feel most worshipful, what am I doing?
2. Spend time thanking God for ten people who are gifts to you in this present time, and ten people from your past.
Reading Time: 4 minutes
This year, I’m gonna party like it’s 2107 with a few questions to help us pursue our relationship with the most potential for fulfillment and gut-level happiness, no matter what’s around the corner. I’m raising my glass: to the One who fills every soul-hole this year. Cheers, friends!
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