THE AWKWARD MOM

because uncomfortable conversations are the ones worth having

Category: romance (page 1 of 2)

I’m married. Can I have a best friend of the opposite sex?

Reading Time: 7 minutes

best friend of the opposite sex

Author’s note: One of my perennially best-traveled posts remains Christian, Married, and Attracted Elsewhere. It’s not unusual to be attracted to or feel connection with someone else.

But as followers of Jesus–how do we handle it? Is it kosher to be married and have a best friend of the opposite sex who’s not your spouse? read more

Best Posts of 2022!

Reading Time: 5 minutes

best posts of 2022

Today, my oldest is headed for continued training with the Marines; the 1987 Nissan Z he’s been flipping–the one the still needs the muffler?–sits resignedly outside. My youngest, a delight and a straight-up handful, is with extended family.  And thanks to this past year’s new puppy, I’m up early.

(This morning’s tea choice: Stash’s Licorice Spice. But since we’re talking New Year’s, my favorite of 2022 has definitely been Tazo’s Glazed Lemon Loaf.) read more

2021 Best Posts of the Year!

Reading Time: 3 minutes

But for the last few days, I’d been sifting through a few emotions about 2022. A new year comes with some gravity–especially after a tough 2021 for my family.

Recently I completed a yearly prayer of Examen–my second year of a new personal tradition. Like the Israelites standing at the Jordan and choosing stones of remembrance (Joshua 4), I’m looking back at how I’ve seen God writing His story in and around me. And how his presence has met me there. read more

Questions for a Closer Marriage (FREE PRINTABLE)

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Before my husband’s last (pre-COVID) international trip, I realized one of the things I miss most about him.

As he was packing–so methodical, everything in precisely-sized containers, shirts carefully folded over a packing template–I told him quietly, “See, you humanize me.”  read more

Mini-date! Mastering the Art of Quick Connections

Reading Time: 4 minutes

mini-date

This is one of those posts where I need to hand it to my husband. He’s a master of the mini-date (and he probably hadn’t heard of those till I told him about this post).

I read the following from a reader of Real Simple this month–in answer to the question, “What do you admire about your parents’ relationship?”

“Even if it’s just a silly thing, like taking out the trash together every Monday night, they always carve out time to connect. May parents have been married for 36 years because they’re masters of the minidate.” (@thedapple_)

So this made me realize all the cool ways my husband does this–and ways I’ve learned to do it back. It means our day brims with potential for little touchpoints, especially when we’re both working from home.

“What’s a mini-date?”

Mini-dates are all about intentionally forming intimate connection in the little moments. It turns something as simple as driving or making the bed together into a time that says, I see you.

What your mini-date isn’t

A mini-date doesn’t substitute for longer, more meaningful conversations or quality time. It’s not so you can check off your box: Well. You should be satisfied for the day!

(It’s like how quickie sex can be a nice little addition to a day, but you wouldn’t want every sexual encounter to be record-setting in that particular way…?)

Note: Mini-dates are also not a great time to bring up what’s irritating you about your spouse. (Nothing screams “romance” like “You never put the toilet paper on the holder,” right?)

The mini-date you might be missing

Maybe like me, you have four kids, but it feels like six. You could be hoping your next mini-date doesn’t involve a diaper pail (at least not one you’re carrying) or scrubbing something out of the carpet.

Wondering when or where a mini-date could happen?

  • prepping dinner
  • getting ready for bed or winding down after the kids’ bedtime
  • getting dressed
  • loading the dishwasher
  • driving
  • calling to your spouse on the drive home (this was us last Friday night)
  • grabbing a cup of coffee at home
  • while one of you (…or both?) takes a shower
  • massaging your mate or rubbing their feet or hands
  • making a simple snack together (smoothies? Nachos? popcorn?)
  • ducking out to go to a drive-thru
  • going on a walk around the block
  • tossing a football
  • bringing your mate a pick-me-up (“I saw you didn’t have lunch. Here’s a sandwich.” “I made you a cup of coffee.”)
  • stepping outside at night beneath the stars or in a snowfall, maybe with a shared blanket around your shoulders
  • Crated with Love has even more great mini-date ideas here.

How to make a mini-date

Ask good questions that help you see your spouse’s world. Bonus: The more you mini-date, the easier it is for you to get deeper in the future.

Some of my husband’s and my fave mini-date questions:

  • How are you right now?
  • What’s been on your mind? What’s sticking with you?
  • What is (was) that like for you?
  • What was one “win” in your day today? (Hint: Get excited about your spouse’s wins with them. Two studies show there’s a close correlation between a couple sharing good news [called “capitalization”] and their happiness. It’s a better indicator of relational satisfaction than talking about what’s hard.)
  • What was your “low” for the day? (Tip: Only use this question paired with the question above.)
  • What are you hoping today/tonight will look like?
  • What do you need right now?
  • How can I pray for you today?

Other tips:

  • Keep a mental sticky note of funny stuff you see each day. It’s great to start or end any mini-date with a laugh.
  • It’s inevitable little matters of business will come up (who’s picking up the kids). Just prioritize: Can you talk about other business later? Or is this more important than connecting, so no family member is left at the orthodontist for the rest of the winter?

mini-date

When you want to kick things up a notch

Keep a few items on hand to ratchet up your mini-date:

On My 20th Anniversary: An Open Letter to My Kids

Reading Time: 4 minutes

anniversary

This week it passed rather quietly, thanks to quarantine: our 20th anniversary. Holy moly, it’s weird to be this old. (Though yeah, marrying at 19 and 20 years old–that happens.)

But this is what I loved, guys. Even as I typed away at work, as you woke up and poured cereal and forgot to put bowls in the dishwasher, my insides felt like I was bubbling over with liquid gratitude.

On May 27, 2020, I woke up yet again next to my best friend in the whole world.

In the next 16 hours, you’d find me like any other day: squealing in the kitchen because your dad’s making me laugh out loud again. Sighing because we were annoyed with each other.  Sneaking a kiss in his office, his beard lunging at my chin  (not my favorite, but he likes it, so, cool). Enforcing discipline for sassy kids (you’re taking turns). Chatting about the now and the future. Me snapping from exhaustion. Resting silently, comfortably beside each other before bed.

I think of the smooth-cheeked kids we were, grabbing hands as we loped through a hail of rose petals. As we jumped into the unknown in its pain and ecstasy.

Truth: Real love holds a lot more buzzing clothes dryers than flower petals; a lot more checkbook-balancing and carpool lines than dancing in the half-dark.

But I’ve found holiness in both kinds of moments. It’s kind of like Jesus passing out crusty loaves and grilled fish for an eye-popping miracle.

Sometimes the miraculous nestles right up to the mundane.

When Different is Good on Your Anniversary

We’re both such different people now.

anniversaryWe’ve been changed: By years in Africa. Grandma dying. That accident that left me stricken. By years smothered in apple juice and wet wipes, then the creativity and plodding of homeschooling overseas.

But also by unloading the dishwasher and getting handsy in the kitchen. Of mowing the lawn and decorating the tree. Of changing diapers and playing board games. Of arguing and going on long walks where yet again, your dad saw me like no one else.

To walk with God for twenty years together will leave you indelibly different. In many ways, this is an anniversary for three (I know, I know, that sounds weird).  God loved us both just as we were, and still enough not to leave us there.

I thought I’d be this single missionary somewhere, feeding refugees. Your dad thought no one would want to follow him to seminary (which he hasn’t done yet).

But marriage has left us both barefoot on holy ground.

Finding Your Way Home

Being married is a different kind of love than lust or that giddy, fairy-lights feeling.

No, my heart doesn’t beat faster when Dad walks in the room. I just feel safe, like I hope you always feel coming home.

C.S. Lewis wrote,

People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on “being in love” forever.

As a result, when they find they are not, they think this proves they have made a mistake and are entitled to a change–not realizing that, when they have changed, the glamour will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one.

In this department of life, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning and do not last.

The sort of thrill a boy has at the first idea of flying will not go on when he has joined the R.A.F. and is really learning to fly. The thrill you feel on first seeing some delightful place dies away when you really go to live there.*

Scientifically, the first flush of love can last at the most two years.** (That’s about 48 years less than one would hope.) There’s a lot of great brain chemistry God brewed up to get us on our feet in marriage. anniversary

The Velveteen Marriage

But it’s real love–each of you cheering and sacrificing for, being changed by each other, each of you tuning in more to the Holy Spirit than feelings. He’s what changed your dad to be this kind of humble and gentle, to be a strong leader and a truly good friend.

God’s changed the fabric of who I am, to be a better partner than just the “yes” (wo)man I thought your dad would want. To be a strong, more secure, more authentic woman than the passive, fearful, pretentious one I was.

family personal update

When your love story becomes a real one–a little like the Velveteen Rabbit–it is sacred ground. And an anniversary makes you remember that all over again.

I’m praying that someday, each anniversary of yours is a gift like this.

Let us hope that we are all preceded in this world by a love story.

–Sweet Land (PG, 2005)

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2019 Best Posts of the Year!

Reading Time: 3 minutes

2019 best posts of year

Sitting with my daughter yesterday, she expressed she had a little fear for 2020. It’s a big year, she explained, with some personal stuff, plus elections and Olympics and what-not.

My first inclination–in light of how young she is, of course–was to brush away her fear.

But for the last few days, I’d been sifting through a few of my own. A new year came with some gravity–especially after celebrating with some friends with severe health concerns.

Instead, I decided to respond to her in some of the ways I was trying to respond to myself. First, I get why you’re afraid.

And a bit after that: Looking back, what ways have you seen God take care of you in 2019?

Throughout Scripture, God follows up “Do not be afraid” with his best reason: for I am with you.

As your family flips the page from 2019 to the unknowns of 2020, I hope you’re able to find thanks, too, and to choose the peace Jesus has already bought for us and our families.

And even if there’s a lot of fear for the next year–may God’s presence meet you at every curve.

Here, the posts that most resonated with readers in 2019. Feel free to share!

Just My Type: Enneagram Compatibility (INFOGRAPHIC)

Curious about your enneagram type–and what it has to say about your closest relationships? Check out this infographic on your compatibility and strengths.

What’s God Think of Strong Women?

Confession: Sometimes my own view of women hamstrings me.Sometimes I can think of God as wanting women to be “strong, but not too strong.”

strong women

Spiritual Life Skills: 10 Ways to Teach Compassion (includes curated book list!)

I know. It’s nuts raising kids. But how can we prep kids–practically speaking–for compassion?

May You Never: Memos from a Child’s Cancer Scare

“Lymphoma is a primary consideration.” Of all the medical terms, that one, I didn’t need to translate.

Spring Break Activity with Kids: The Newlywed Game, Revised (FREE PRINTABLE)

Needing an easy game in your back pocket for a day with the kids at home? Here’s a quick twist on the newlywed game. Kids vs. parents, perhaps?

2019 newlywed game kids

Girl, You’re Strong: The Allure of Rachel Hollis

I’ve thought about it a lot–as a woman, as an author.  What is it about Rachel Hollis that makes her the dark chocolate of hundreds of thousands of women?

Imperfection, Image-management, & Your Insta Feed

On trend: an adorably imperfect, gosh-look-at-this-laundry media feed (and life). But I find myself getting more self-conscious, less self-forgetful.

Wait: The Story of a Certain Champagne Bottle

In the past two years–this long wait after moving from Africa–I’ve finally got some really exciting news. This champagne bottle? It’s traveled a long way.

2019 champagne

Spiritual Life Skills for Kids: Living in Community

Constantly fighting the tide of tech in your home? I keep taking “next steps” to make sure we’re managing technology…rather than the other way around.

GRAB THE REST OF THIS SERIES HERE!

The Tech-Wise Family: 13 Next Steps

Anxiety & depression are on the rise in kids–and both have direct ties to how connected we live. How can we help kids grow up with community to depend on?

Interested in a few more 2019 hits?

“Help! I want sex more than he does!” Strategies for the Higher-libido Wife

Reading Time: 2 minutes

libido

So I wrote you recently how a podcast had opened my eyes to all those Hollywood writers (whose techniques, as a writer, I thought I was studying, but who suck me in just the same).

If there’s any possible time when my husband doesn’t respond to me like a guy in the movies, I’m pretty sure it’s me, and my subpar level of attractiveness.

Basically, if I’m amazing enough, my husband will want me right. Now.

Because all those hours at work, the commute, the game of catch with the kids in the yard, the bills he paid after they hit the sack, and that argument with a surly teenager didn’t drain this (fictional) version of a husband one bit. Um. Not to mention one leeeetle sarcastic comment from his undoubtedly surpassingly-attractive wife.

No libido-suckers there.

Let’s get it on.

But in response to a recent post on FamilyLife’s Facebook page, FamilyLife requested an article from me for wives in the other 20%–that is, the 1 in 5 women who have a higher libido than their husbands. (True story.)

Today I’m writing over at FamilyLife.com for those of you occasionally encountering painful questions when your husband doesn’t respond sexually–and perhaps are dealing with some sexual frustration.

If you hop over and check it out, I won’t tell. (Or know.)

Keep fighting for closeness. These incredibly weird, uncomfortable conversations matter.

signature

 

Marriage Myth: If I’m amazing enough, my spouse will want me right. Now.

Reading Time: 3 minutes

romance want sexy Like most American women, I am a total sucker for rom-coms and TV drama with a smattering of romance. Who doesn’t love someone being swept off their feet, and laughing at all the stupid ways it goes wrong? Even after 18 years of marriage, I still love…love. Plus, there’s this (usually false?) idea that you’re getting a glimpse of the private stuff we never talk about.

As a writer and real person, I like to think myself immune from the illusions of a perfect husband. When a guy delivers an ingenious, sentimental line, I sometimes imagine the scriptwriter scrawling on a legal pad, grinning because she got it just right. (And if he’s saying something just right from a woman’s perspective, there’s a decent chance the scriptwriter was female.)

But a podcast recently pointed out something else to me. In Hollywood, couples–even married ones–don’t usually have a ton of needed lead time to…well. To get it on (fade to black).

The podcaster said this gives men the idea that if they’re studly enough, a woman won’t need a ton of anticipation time. (Strangely, her fictional children and/or fictional job and/or fictional commute and/or fictional bake sale hasn’t drained her one bit. Let’s go!)

But doesn’t this also apply to females? How often do we get the idea that our husbands are ready at the drop of a hat?  How often do we think that if we’re attractive enough, our husbands will deliver the right line, and respond just like Matthew McConaghey and his entourage of scriptwriters and directors? (Spoiler: Even that scene probably took five takes.)

We’re thinking, Where did this guy go to man-school?

Ahem. I think you forgot your line?

Lack of Romance=Lack of Love?

So let me write it out for all of us. When your mate doesn’t respond like you thought they should, and fails to read your mind like anyone else who watches these movies all the time, it is not a testament to your lack of attractiveness.

It’s probably more an indication that both of you are human. And maybe even that you love each other.

It might be a signal that one of you went to work today, took care of children or wrestled with them, cooked some food, took the car to the shop, paid some bills, and generally did the beautiful and unremarkable stuff of everyday love. Neither one of you may have picked up a bouquet of flowers or daydreamed with a sigh or sent a sexy text or uttered the other person’s love language.

It might be a sign that Hollywood bumped your expectations a teensy bit above realistic-and-agreed-upon.

Obviously romance is great for any marriage. (If you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling, here are a few ideas to remember where you put it.) But as an indicator of devotion? Your own attractiveness? Meh. Good, faithful guys are the new sexy.

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Just My Type: Enneagram Compatibility (INFOGRAPHIC)

Reading Time: 3 minutes

I first took the enneagram about a year ago when my family mentioned it. (Yes, my whole family talks about this kind of stuff. If you’re into a sports team or politics, we might not be able to help you out).

With a husband who’s a Human Resources exec, you can bet I’ve taken my share of personality tests. (I’ve even tried to outwit some of them?)

Personally, the enneagram has brought me more self-knowledge–knowledge that actually helped me truly change–than any of the others. I even keep basic profiles on my Kindle. (Yeah. I’m one of those.) With 207 subtypes, I’ve found it to be fairly accurate for me, which hasn’t always been the case with other profiles.

What I like: As a Christian, the enneagram narrows down my basic fear and my basic desire–my essential motivations. I feel like it gets right at the heart of some of my deepest-seated drives.

It even helps distill, from there, basic ways I tend to wander from God and reject him–my sin tendencies. (This site and many others help understand your type from a spiritual perspective. You might also find this site and this site insightful from a secular perspective.)

I also like that the enneagram gives an entire type-specific spectrum to help me understand what it looks like for me to be fully-functioning and healthy…and not so much.

Just my type?

So I was tickled pink when Gifts.com asked me to post their enneagram-based infographic on relational compatibility. (Relationships and infographics! What’s not to love? )

I’ve written before about love languages and other tools like this–and the equal amount of detriment if we use tests like these as a way to avoid loving someone well or receiving love–or simply as a way to pigeonhole the people we love. Use tests like these as a springboard for more conversation toward understanding, not less.

Gifts.com analyzed the strengths and weaknesses of each Enneagram type to determine which are the most compatible. Take the free test here to learn your type, and check out the compatibility of Enneagram chart to learn more about your relational strengths and challenges.

Post-publication note: A couple of keen-eyed readers pointed out that some of these matches seem incongruous.

For example, Dave points out that an Enneagram 6’s (loyalist) best match is a 9 (peacemaker), but the Enneagram 9’s worst match is a loyalist. And Kelly found that the worst match for achiever is peacemaker and peacemaker is the best match for achiever. What gives, right?

My contact at Gift.com writes,

Thanks for sharing this feedback. There’s a ton of different resources and research that our team looked at when putting together this compatibility chart, and we used our findings to determine what would be compatible matches. Based on the weaknesses of a particular type, we looked to pair them with a type that complemented them with strengths. Sometimes that pairing didn’t work vice versa.

One study even showed that a type 9 female and a type 9 male might not have the same most compatible match, so there’s a lot that can be interpreted about enneagrams. It’s definitely important to note that no two types are particularly doomed even if they’re listed as a “worst match.” When it’s meant to be love always finds a way!

I hope that helps. And thanks for the feedback, readers. I always love hearing from you. 

-Janel

(c)2019 Gifts.com

The Compatibility of Enneagrams

(c)2019 Gifts.com

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