This week on a phone conversation with a friend, she asked what’s become our custom at the end of our calls: What’s one intimate prayer request I can pray for?
It was probably telling that I didn’t really know.
THE AWKWARD MOM
because uncomfortable conversations are the ones worth having
Category: Questions to take your relationships deeper (page 1 of 3)
Reading Time: 4 minutes
If you’ve followed this blog for awhile, you know I taught refugees for a handful of years, many of them Muslim–people and a task I adored.
I was surprised to learn a difference between the Bible and the Qur’an: The Qur’an isn’t a narrative, like much of the Bible is. (The Qur’an is laid out more like Psalms or Proverbs.)
Reading Time: 4 minutes
Okay, yes, I am this big Enneagram 2, and I am frequently caught “two-ing” in my family—overfunctioning like a crazy person, sublimating any needs of my own, etc.
But I also have this monstrous, flapping-larger-than-my-triceps 3-wing. Which means, for all of you unfamiliar with enneagram-speak, that I am an achiever. Goal-setting can fill my sails (…to the point of what we’ll call “Christian workaholism”).
Reading Time: 5 minutes
My mom and I had a good conversation last week–one of those “Oh, that’s how it went down on your side of things” talks.
Groove back with me to around 1993. I’m growing out my formerly-birds-nest bangs. I have braces. Both are just as becoming as they sound. But though there at 13, I’ve been a Christian for eight years, I haven’t been baptized.
Reading Time: 4 minutes
Last week, I rubbed shoulders with an old friend:
Guilt.
In a group, someone mentioned how we need to keep encouraging our families to sit around the table with God’s Word. This is when guilt’s bony hand rested on my shoulder. Because though my family does engage around the Bible, it’s not cracking open our Bibles with notebooks around the table.
When I attempt anything close to this, you could hear my teenagers’ sighs across a football field. The rolling eyeballs threaten to pop out onto their dinner plates.
And that’s the thing: I don’t want to check a box. I want my kids to really engage in their faith. But out of my four kids, I have zero people-pleasers, zero rule-followers, zero achievers.
What I do have: opinionated teens. (Um. Do they make another kind?)
That’s why I was pleased when, after guilt visited me that day, I landed on something that worked when I Googled how to engage teens in the Bible. (Yes, I really did.)
It told me something I already know: Teens like engaging around hot topics–not studying. (#Mindblown)
“Tell me what you think.”
Of course if you’re headed this direction, the trick is to find conversation starters for teens that reach a little higher than, “Who’s your favorite celebrity?”
So I took a cue from Axis’ Culture Translator last week, which hits my inbox every Friday. Because apparently they know I’m busy, they plop in three things I should know about my kids’ world, plus some slang parents should know, and a few conversation starters for teens.
My kids don’t know about everything mentioned, but sometimes hits the spot (like when it told me about “Wandavision” on Disney+) or gives me something to laugh about with my daughter (like the Kardashians attempting to scrub an untouched photo of Khloe from the internet this week. My girl smirked. “Oh, no! A photo of what I really look like!”)
Last week, they suggested posing this question: “How should we respond to people who have been hurt by the church?”
So during dinner, I asked my kids. And guess what? The whole family talked for about half an hour, and touched on other thoughtful topics, too.
The Ground Rules for Conversation Starters for Teens
So I’m scribbling out some conversation starters for teens for all of us to broach in the next few weeks, in honor of occasionally uncomfortable conversations worth having. Some of these get into some inflamed territory, so choose your own adventure. (Just choose it wisely and thoughtfully, m’kay?)
Perhaps it goes without saying, but set aside agendas like “I must incorporate as much Scripture as I can” or “I must make sure my child thinks rightly about this right now. There can be no delay!” Kids sneak out “hidden” parental agendas like we pick out the kid who forgot the Speed Stick.
But depending on your kid, it’s totally okay to tack on, “Bonus if you can back up your opinion with actual Bible verses. Go.”
The idea is to start a conversation, not stop it—to find out where are kids are at. Creating safe emotional space to explore ethical issues. Gently sharing our reasoning when kids are open. Praying for them. Trusting the Holy Spirit to shape our kids’ hearts in his perfect time.
(If you find yourself talking more than listening…stop.)
Wanna give it a try? There’s enough to keep you going for a month or two. (I couldn’t stop myself.)
31 Conversation Starters for Teens to Take Things to the Next Level
What do you think people often misunderstand about your generation?
What do you think people often misunderstand about you?
Tell me about someone who, when you got to know them, changed how you thought about people like them, or even made you ask a question about something you believed.
What kind of people make the best listeners?
Say a friend comes to you. They or their girlfriend are pregnant. How do you help?
What do you think about photoshopped social media?
Talk to me about people you admire right now, and what really draws your respect.
What do you think are great qualities to look for in a spouse?
Do you think people should get married young?
What do you think people misunderstand about God?
What do you think Christians do that’s alienating to other people?
What’s one thing you hope to do differently when you’re a parent? (The catch: You also need to tell me two things you think I do well.)
How do you think the Church should respond to the LGBTQ+ population? What do you see some Christians doing right–and what are some missing right now?
How would you recommend helping a friend who’s depressed?
What qualities put a person in your “do not date” list?
For what, if any, remarks should a public figure be “canceled”?
Do you think marijuana should be legalized?
What do you wish people could understand in gender equality discussions?
What do you think is going wrong–and going right–with discussions about race right now?
When are you most tempted to fake who you really are?
What do you like about our church–and what would you change?
What’s one thing you want or wish for that you’re not sure will happen?
What’s God been doing in you lately?
What quality is hardest to understand when you see it in a person? What does this tell you about yourself?
Eric Liddel’s movie character […might have to explain who this is] is known for saying, “When I run, I feel God’s pleasure.” What are you doing when you sense God’s pleasure in you?
When you get to heaven, what are some questions you hope to ask God?
Name three adjectives you wish you were, but aren’t yet.
Describe yourself in five words. Go.
At what times in your life have you felt closest to God–or when do you feel closest to God now?
What’s one lie you find yourself believing–but that’s hard to shake? How did it get in your head?
What are the best ways to share Jesus without being weird?
Your turn.
I’d love to hear from you on this.
How do you get into deeper conversations with your teens? How do you engage them around the word of God? (And tell me: Did these questions work for your family?)
Keep pressing in.
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Tweens, teens, control–and having my kids’ heart
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Walking with Kids through Church Hurt
Reading Time: 3 minutes
Before my husband’s last (pre-COVID) international trip, I realized one of the things I miss most about him.
As he was packing–so methodical, everything in precisely-sized containers, shirts carefully folded over a packing template–I told him quietly, “See, you humanize me.”
Reading Time: 4 minutes
This is one of those posts where I need to hand it to my husband. He’s a master of the mini-date (and he probably hadn’t heard of those till I told him about this post).
I read the following from a reader of Real Simple this month–in answer to the question, “What do you admire about your parents’ relationship?”
“Even if it’s just a silly thing, like taking out the trash together every Monday night, they always carve out time to connect. May parents have been married for 36 years because they’re masters of the minidate.” (@thedapple_)
So this made me realize all the cool ways my husband does this–and ways I’ve learned to do it back. It means our day brims with potential for little touchpoints, especially when we’re both working from home.
“What’s a mini-date?”
Mini-dates are all about intentionally forming intimate connection in the little moments. It turns something as simple as driving or making the bed together into a time that says, I see you.
What your mini-date isn’t
A mini-date doesn’t substitute for longer, more meaningful conversations or quality time. It’s not so you can check off your box: Well. You should be satisfied for the day!
(It’s like how quickie sex can be a nice little addition to a day, but you wouldn’t want every sexual encounter to be record-setting in that particular way…?)
Note: Mini-dates are also not a great time to bring up what’s irritating you about your spouse. (Nothing screams “romance” like “You never put the toilet paper on the holder,” right?)
The mini-date you might be missing
Maybe like me, you have four kids, but it feels like six. You could be hoping your next mini-date doesn’t involve a diaper pail (at least not one you’re carrying) or scrubbing something out of the carpet.
Wondering when or where a mini-date could happen?
- prepping dinner
- getting ready for bed or winding down after the kids’ bedtime
- getting dressed
- loading the dishwasher
- driving
- calling to your spouse on the drive home (this was us last Friday night)
- grabbing a cup of coffee at home
- while one of you (…or both?) takes a shower
- massaging your mate or rubbing their feet or hands
- making a simple snack together (smoothies? Nachos? popcorn?)
- ducking out to go to a drive-thru
- going on a walk around the block
- tossing a football
- bringing your mate a pick-me-up (“I saw you didn’t have lunch. Here’s a sandwich.” “I made you a cup of coffee.”)
- stepping outside at night beneath the stars or in a snowfall, maybe with a shared blanket around your shoulders
- Crated with Love has even more great mini-date ideas here.
How to make a mini-date
Ask good questions that help you see your spouse’s world. Bonus: The more you mini-date, the easier it is for you to get deeper in the future.
Some of my husband’s and my fave mini-date questions:
- How are you right now?
- What’s been on your mind? What’s sticking with you?
- What is (was) that like for you?
- What was one “win” in your day today? (Hint: Get excited about your spouse’s wins with them. Two studies show there’s a close correlation between a couple sharing good news [called “capitalization”] and their happiness. It’s a better indicator of relational satisfaction than talking about what’s hard.)
- What was your “low” for the day? (Tip: Only use this question paired with the question above.)
- What are you hoping today/tonight will look like?
- What do you need right now?
- How can I pray for you today?
Other tips:
- Keep a mental sticky note of funny stuff you see each day. It’s great to start or end any mini-date with a laugh.
- It’s inevitable little matters of business will come up (who’s picking up the kids). Just prioritize: Can you talk about other business later? Or is this more important than connecting, so no family member is left at the orthodontist for the rest of the winter?
When you want to kick things up a notch
Keep a few items on hand to ratchet up your mini-date:
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- your spouse’s favorite coffee syrup and a milk frother (I like this one) to make your own at-home coffee date
- basic materials to make sushi, ice-cream sundaes, seasoned popcorn, or a cheese/charcuterie board to turn a mini-date into an easy date in
- marshmallows to toast over a fire
- candles, linen spray (you can make your own linen spray!), and or lotion for a quick foot rub
- a recipe to make your spouse’s favorite beverage (I love this 5-minute chai mix!)
Another option to kick things up a notch? These pairings of a sweet, clean movie with takeout.
Connection doesn’t have to be non-existent when you have kids. Start with a mini-date–and branch out from there.
Tell us: When–and how–do you and your spouse make the most of moments to connect?
Comment below!
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Reading Time: 4 minutes
While living in Uganda, my language acquisition developed to an equivalent of that drunken-sailor lurch of a new toddler. That is, my ability to speak resembled lurching, grinning, and occasionally falling on my rear.
And of course just because you can speak a language doesn’t mean you use it in the same ways. I’d occasionally get weird looks for wishing someone Merry Christmas (Seku Kulu enungi!) in December. Apparently Ugandans keep this phrase pretty much for Christmas day.
On the other hand, Omwaka omulungi!–“Happy New Year!”–was wished to me whenever someone would see me the first time in the new year, even if you saw the person in, say, March.
I had to ask a Ugandan friend about what I perceived: Was New Year’s actually a bigger holiday than Christmas?
My friend affirmed this. She explained that to Ugandans, to make it to a new year was a gift they couldn’t take for granted.
Average yearly take-home pay is $12K; average life span when we arrived was 52; risk for infectious disease is considered “very high”. Repeatedly in conversations, Ugandans referred to life as “struggle”.
I’ve thought about that as so many of us laugh about 2020 finally. Ending.
This author makes the case that one of the lessons of 2020 is that, in fact, our ingratitude–“How many things did we fail to recognize as God’s blessings in 2019?”
When Looking Ahead Doesn’t Look Good
After a hard year, I’ve tended to have a sense of foreboding, of glass-is-half-empty brand of hand-wringing.
Personally, in my haste to shuck off the loss and grief and polarization of this year, I tend to space the 1,095 or so meals God sat before me. The 36.5 million times or so my heart beat, even as I slept. The fact that I have four living children-turning-adults, running around and creating healthy, generally laughter-filled havoc every day of the year.
And all the delightful, advantageous packages I partake of as a member of the developed world.
That morning by morning, new mercies I see.
I tend to shove some events into the category of “I want to forget” instead of training the eyes of my heart to see God in all that happened. As C.S. Lewis pens in The Magician’s Nephew,
What you see and what you hear depends a great deal on where you are standing. It also depends on what sort of person you are.
Even in those inevitable unresolved areas, their “happily ever after” still unwritten—I can trust he was there. That his faithfulness was indeed great.
And clutching a list of gratitudes, I step with a little more confidence, a little more faith.
Questions to Help You Thoughtfully Begin New Year 2021
In light of this, I’ve scraped together some ideas to help us both thoughtfully start a New Year 2021 with trust.
A note: Before you begin, think about 2-3 “feeling” words that would describe where you’re at right now.
Why? Because it does color how you think. Walking last Sunday, I realized some embarrassment and fear I was feeling from a small (I would have said inconsequential) event that day filtered my thoughts and goal-setting and prayers.
If you’re feeling ambitious or afraid or low, use that knowledge to temper your goals.
6 Questions to Help You Remember
Tip: Process these before the below “6 Questions to Look Forward and Set Goals.”
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For what am thankful from this past year? What am I most thankful for?
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Month by month, what were the most important things that happened to me? How did I respond, or how am I still responding (from the inside out)?
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What have been/are the greatest challenges in each area of my life (spiritually, physically, emotionally, socially, mentally, professionally, missionally, as a parent…)?
As I read this morning, suffering is key to understanding and reflecting the heart of God (see 2 Corinthians 4:6-18). He knows death is at the heart of love and resurrection.
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What’s one character trait this past year has exposed that I seriously want to change to love God and people better? What’s one powerful step I could take toward change?
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How have I most significantly experienced God this year? What names of God do I identify most with right now?
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What do I long for most in this moment?
Interested in taking this deeper? I love the questions in this Annual Examen.
6 Questions to Look Forward, Set Goals, and Prepare for New Year 2021
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What are three areas in which I’d love to see change? What are reachable goals I could set toward those ends?
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Which significant events do I anticipate in the next year?
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What am I most concerned about? (Consider reading the following to help speak truth to yourself.)
- Proverbs 3:5-6, 16:9
- Luke 14:28
- Romans 12:2
- 1 Corinthians 10:31
- Ephesians 2:10, 3:20-21
- Philippians 2:3-4
- Colossians 3:23
- James 1:5-6.
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How am I most motivated for the long-term?
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Who do I feel compelled to care for in the next year? What could that look like practically?
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In what do I most need to persevere, to “not lose heart” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)?
If you’re into this kind of thing, check out 7 Journaling Prompts for a New Year’s of the Soul. Want to explore some life-coaching questions? Consider looking through these.
6 Tasks to Kick Off 2021 Right
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Clean or organize something that drives you bananas.
I personally started with our bedroom, but it felt so good, I kept going. The laundry room and game closet have recently been conquered. Onward!
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Do something generous that doesn’t bring fanfare.
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Decide on one target behavior/underlying character to address with each of your kids over the next year.
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Forgive someone (…maybe again).
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Reach out to someone who needs connection.
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Do a serious purge of material belongings that don’t bring you life or joy, or that you haven’t used in a year.
Need ideas? Grab these ideas to simplify your closet–and these to teach kids simplicity.
Thankfully, I know Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). Ask with me for his presence to go in front of us into 2021.
Happy New Year, friends.
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New Year: When You’re Hoping for Hope
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10 Questions to Take Your Relationship with God Deeper in a New Year
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Reading Time: 4 minutes
I’ve shored myself in tonight for something I’ve looked forward to for a month and a half.
For my birthday, my husband got me a personal retreat. And the timing is pitch-perfect. (Well, save the fact that my body seems to have been anticipating the drop of adrenaline, welcoming in a cold.)
I bought myself a tray of sushi worthy of my craving. I packed a candle, and those sinister-looking tools that ultimately should make my feet look like girl feet again. When this laptop closes, folks, I am snuggling into a Sabbath.
But aside from my feet–my goal is to simply be and think and pray. I may not see another human being. (Bonus: I may not clean up after another one, either.)
“My heart is so tired”
It was sometime last week that the phrase My heart is so tired floated through my head.
And at last, I don’t have to shelve that temporarily. I will feed it with hot tea and Jesus.
Because sometimes the Christmas hoopla fails to draw me into deeper worship, reflection, appreciation of God. Sometimes I get so hyped up with creating the magic, the party–I miss the Birthday Boy. (You might resonate with Tired-Mom Advent: The Most Wonderful Time of the Stinkin’ Year.)
So for the two of us, here’s a list for reflection and journaling in those quiet moments after the kids have gone to bed, maybe with a cup of that tea, to center in on the real Christmas.
And where we’d be without it.
(I’ve made it printable for you to stuff in the cover of your journal, or to distribute in small groups and churches).
1. Meditate on one name of God
from the Christmas story or prophecies, writing and praying about why it’s meaningful to you right now: God with us. Savior. Desire of Nations. Messiah. Jesus (literally, The Lord Saves). Branch; Root of Jesse. King. Wonderful Counselor.
2. Do I identify more with Mary’s faith,
or Zechariah’s doubt right now? Why?
3. Upon reflection, which character in the Christmas story
do I most identify with this year? Why?
4. A people walking in darkness have seen a great light.
How am I most witnessing God’s illuminating light in my life, or how have I seen it this year? Where do I crave it right now?
5. And the government shall be upon His shoulders.
What do I need to entrust to God’s government right now? What about His future government do I look forward to? (Read more in Isaiah 9:1-7.)
6. And He shall be called Wonderful Counselor,
Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9:6)
… And the Spirit of the Lord shall rest upon him, the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord. (Isaiah 11:2)
How do I sense—and sense my need for—God in these identities of His right now? (Pick one or two of these names, asking God to show Himself in this way through situations sticking in your brain right now.)
7. Luke 1:38: Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.
What emotions do these words of Mary stir in me upon reflection? What situation does it bring to mind in my own life? Do I need God to create this response in me right now?
8. Acts 10:38: God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and with power.
He went about doing good and healing all who were oppressed by the devil, for God was with him. What areas of my life hunger for God’s goodness, healing, and freedom right now? Who do I know that needs those this Christmas? (Spend time praying for them, and for what it would look like to love them well right now.)
9. Micah 5:2: But you, O Bethlehem Ephrathah, who are too little
to be among the clans of Judah, from you shall come forth for me one who is to be ruler in Israel, whose coming forth is from of old, from ancient days.
God seems to love repeating this theme in Scripture over and over—surprising us with the significant emerging from the insignificant, wisdom from what is foolish, strength out of weakness, beauty from ashes, life from death.
- Where do I see this in the Bible?
- What does this look like in my life?
- How does it give me hope?
10. Check out Isaiah 61:1-4.
Copy or underline phrases that stick out to you; make a list of characteristics of Jesus you find in this passage for reflection.
- Consider how those resonate with you, and what they radiate about God.
- How do you see these themes in the life of Jesus—and elsewhere in the Bible?
- How can you live out these elements of God’s character?
11. Create a running list of gifts from God to you and those you love this year;
of ways He’s reminded you you’re written on His hands. (This is a great way to reflect in preparation for the New Year, too.)
12. What characteristic do you admire in the characters of the Christmas story?
Examples:
- I love Mary’s courage and singularity of heart, bravely choosing God’s will despite that it would likely “ruin” her idea of a peaceful marriage and existence in her community, and alter the rest of her life.
- I admire Joseph’s quiet perseverance in doing the right thing.
- I’m fascinated by the Magi’s willingness to pursue God over great lengths and extravagant cost, presumably based only on faith in prophecy and a supernatural star.
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Reading Time: 3 minutes
After the all-too-recent my-kid-might-have-lymphoma scare? There are some things that have been going right.
For one, after a year of doing my freelance writing and marketing for my only employment, I filed for my own business. I am now the owner of Fresh Ink, LLC. So that’s pretty cool.
And somehow, I’m receiving a windfall of client possibilities and realities I’m pretty excited about.
But something was strange this week: at least two days where I dealt with anxiety. Not panic attacks or anything of that sort–though I know those are real for many people. But more of a low-lying GAHHHHH! That’s not usually me.
Thankfully, I don’t feel like my family is getting the business end of that in any major ways, which is significant for me (and my anger problem).
But I talked to a mentor of mine this morning, also a writer. Paraphrasing my question, how do you know when you’re involved in too many good things?
Too Much of a Good Thing?
I think of God’s words to Moses:
What you are doing is not good. You will surely wear yourself out, both you and these people with you. For the task is too heavy for you; you cannot do it alone. (Exodus 18:17-18)
I’ll include his answers below–and you might want to check out The Dangers of Overcommitment, The True Cost of Overcommitment, and Your opportunity…vs. Your Call. (Man. I probably should, too.) I also found a lot of good thoughts in Ruth Barton’s Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership, which I can’t recommend highly enough.
After living so many years out of the country, I’m amazed at how my American ideals of achievement and performance really do color my interpretations of thriving Christianity. I think too highly of myself. My “ministry “plans can be ego-driven plans. I lack the humility to embrace the limits of my humanity, the boundaries God’s put in place. I find identity in what I do for God, rather than what he has done for me.
So I have to constantly re-center my soul on “Kingdom culture” instead–looking under the hood to check out my warning lights.
Shall we?
Dashboard-Light Questions: Could I be Overcommitted?
- Are there things I usually love that I don’t like right now?
- How would I describe the health of my closest relationships–and how I’m responding to those nearest to me right now?
- Am I compromising quality on the work that matters to me?
- Am I making time for–and enjoying–quality spiritual rhythms right now, like solitude, silence, prayer, meditation, journaling, and self-examination?
- Am I irritable or hypersensitive?
- Are my sleep habits being affected?
- Am I restless? Fantasizing about escape?
- Do I have “white space” in my day to simply live, think, and enjoy?
- Am I compulsively overworking, or as Barton notes, “unable to stop or slow down even when that would be appropriate–like at night after dinner or on vacation”?
- Am I unable to engage emotionally?
- Am I spending spare time in activities that help me escape (TV, surfing the net, compulsive eating or drinking), or that give me life?
- Do I feel like I’m going through the motions in things that matter, like listening to or caring for others, ministry, etc.?
- Am I feeling impulsive?
- Am I weighing what I say “yes” or “no” to?
- Am I caring for myself in heart? Body?
- Do I feel threatened when people ask me for favors, because I don’t feel I have the resources?
- Is my body showing signs of stress (tics, jaw clenching, eczema, digestive issues, etc.?)
- Am I falling into the “stressed version” of myself?
How can you usually tell when you’re overcommitted?
What do you ask yourself?
Join the discussion in the comments section.
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Pull up a chair for practical ideas and discussions on the parenting, relationships, and spirituality we're all army-crawling through every day.
After five and a half years in Uganda, my family and I returned to the U.S., where I write and speak professionally, and we continue to work on behalf of the poor.
My first solo book, Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills to Write on Your Kids' Hearts (Harvest House), released October 2021.
#instagoodness
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