Author’s note: One of my perennially best-traveled posts remains Christian, Married, and Attracted Elsewhere. It’s not unusual to be attracted to or feel connection with someone else.
But as followers of Jesus–how do we handle it? Is it kosher to be married and have a best friend of the opposite sex who’s not your spouse?read more
Maybe I’m reading into it. But maybe some of you are army-crawling through hard times. Or know someone who is. (Or are curious to see exactly how I would tackle that beast.)read more
When my four kids were little and life resembled a 24-hour Bounty commercial, I read a statistic in Parents magazine that something like 78% of new moms, when choosing between sex and sleep, chose sleep.
Before my husband’s last (pre-COVID) international trip, I realized one of the things I miss most about him.
As he was packing–so methodical, everything in precisely-sized containers, shirts carefully folded over a packing template–I told him quietly, “See, you humanize me.” read more
This is one of those posts where I need to hand it to my husband. He’s a master of the mini-date (and he probably hadn’t heard of those till I told him about this post).
I read the following from a reader of Real Simple this month–in answer to the question, “What do you admire about your parents’ relationship?”
“Even if it’s just a silly thing, like taking out the trash together every Monday night, they always carve out time to connect. May parents have been married for 36 years because they’re masters of the minidate.” (@thedapple_)
So this made me realize all the cool ways my husband does this–and ways I’ve learned to do it back. It means our day brims with potential for little touchpoints, especially when we’re both working from home.
“What’s a mini-date?”
Mini-dates are all about intentionally forming intimate connection in the little moments. It turns something as simple as driving or making the bed together into a time that says, I see you.
What your mini-date isn’t
A mini-date doesn’t substitute for longer, more meaningful conversations or quality time. It’s not so you can check off your box: Well. You should be satisfied for the day!
(It’s like how quickie sex can be a nice little addition to a day, but you wouldn’t want every sexual encounter to be record-setting in that particular way…?)
Note: Mini-dates are also not a great time to bring up what’s irritating you about your spouse. (Nothing screams “romance” like “You never put the toilet paper on the holder,” right?)
The mini-date you might be missing
Maybe like me, you have four kids, but it feels like six. You could be hoping your next mini-date doesn’t involve a diaper pail (at least not one you’re carrying) or scrubbing something out of the carpet.
Wondering when or where a mini-date could happen?
prepping dinner
getting ready for bed or winding down after the kids’ bedtime
getting dressed
loading the dishwasher
driving
calling to your spouse on the drive home (this was us last Friday night)
grabbing a cup of coffee at home
while one of you (…or both?) takes a shower
massaging your mate or rubbing their feet or hands
making a simple snack together (smoothies? Nachos? popcorn?)
ducking out to go to a drive-thru
going on a walk around the block
tossing a football
bringing your mate a pick-me-up (“I saw you didn’t have lunch. Here’s a sandwich.” “I made you a cup of coffee.”)
stepping outside at night beneath the stars or in a snowfall, maybe with a shared blanket around your shoulders
Ask good questions that help you see your spouse’s world. Bonus: The more you mini-date, the easier it is for you to get deeper in the future.
Some of my husband’s and my fave mini-date questions:
How are you right now?
What’s been on your mind? What’s sticking with you?
What is (was) that like for you?
What was one “win” in your day today? (Hint: Get excited about your spouse’s wins with them. Two studies show there’s a close correlation between a couple sharing good news [called “capitalization”] and their happiness. It’s a better indicator of relational satisfaction than talking about what’s hard.)
What was your “low” for the day? (Tip: Only use this question paired with the question above.)
What are you hoping today/tonight will look like?
What do you need right now?
How can I pray for you today?
Other tips:
Keep a mental sticky note of funny stuff you see each day. It’s great to start or end any mini-date with a laugh.
It’s inevitable little matters of business will come up (who’s picking up the kids). Just prioritize: Can you talk about other business later? Or is this more important than connecting, so no family member is left at the orthodontist for the rest of the winter?
When you want to kick things up a notch
Keep a few items on hand to ratchet up your mini-date:
your spouse’s favorite coffee syrup and a milk frother (I like this one) to make your own at-home coffee date
basic materials to make sushi, ice-cream sundaes, seasoned popcorn, or a cheese/charcuterie board to turn a mini-date into an easy date in
I had a million reasons. But as the sun sank on Sunday, it was obvious I was falling into classic unhealthy patterns of my personality type.
I’m a prototypical enneagram 2 (with a big, flapping 3-wing and a 1-wing not far behind).*
As in, look in the dictionary, and you might find my picture. As in, friends are like, “When I read the description of a 2, I was like, ‘This is you!'”
Enneagram Compatibility: From a Couple that Doesn’t Technically Have It
But my husband vacillates between a 5-wing-4 or a 4-wing-5.
And unless we work intentionally, when one of us leans toward a lack of health? Old, well-worn cycles suck us in like an overactive Kirby.
It used to look something like
wife is over-sensitive; husband is raw, even critical, and wants space
wife would like demands affirmation/appreciation; husband resists emotional demands and manipulation
wife is exhausted and resentful (known as “tired-mad” in our house); wife feels like people don’t see her apart from what she does for them (sniff)
husband is caving and becomes engulfed in his inner world. Wife is like, This is like wearing camouflage. He doesn’t even know I’m here. Wife helps and helps to make things easier (and let’s be honest, to be seen), to the point of overfunctioning and exhaustion. Husband responds by caving more.
Recently I read with curiosity lately the enneagram compatibility of twos and fives. Apparently, it’s not a very common match.
My mom pointed out once, “You know, you and [your husband] are more different from any of your sisters and their husbands.”
(This is like saying, “Steve Jobs was good at computers.”)
How our incompatibility made us a great couple
But here’s the thing. Subtracting those differences would completely flatten all the parts I love about our relationship. Our meandering, adventurous path together. My own character.
I shudder to think of the insecure, clutching ways in which I sought to “help” people. The thoughtless ways I steamrolled others. The timid lack of creativity characterized my work and my life…and each of these that would have stayed that way without the bold, colorful, refining strokes that God has painted in my life through this man.
Working to love someone well whose personality poses such a striking contrast widens my perspective, my capability to love, my graciousness and understanding.
Loving people unlike ourselves–when we can patiently wait for the dissonance like a junior-high band to pass–produces the swelling, overwhelming harmonies of a full orchestra.
It’s another step to remind me that my relationships aren’t subjects in my kingdom. Relationships are opportunities to serve and change. My conflicts are often assignments from him.
And when we conflict, it’s really the desires within the two of us that are waging war (see James 4:1). We’re fighting for what’s precious to us…and has often become too precious, our core loves disordered.
The funny thing? I find I’m now drawn to others like my husband. I love that so many 5’s tell the truth, to the point of being unflinching; it’s like they can’t not be themselves. It makes them trustworthy. I love their 360-degree approach to thoughtful, contemplative wisdom.
The 4 part of him helps us dream creatively, finding the perfect gray for the walls, or deciding on an out-of-the-box solution to a problem. And his authentic touch with emotion is invaluable to us. To me.
Enneagram compatibility, learned
The enneagram extends us a tool not to pigeon-hole each other, but to kickstart understanding–and ask the right questions.
At the point a personality test or label becomes a way to get someone pegged (“he’s a man. Men don’t…” “She’s an extrovert. I doubt she even noticed that”), it moves out of “help me know you” to “Understanding or asking is unnecessary. I already know.” This is also known as assumicide.
Both of us had to laugh months ago while riding in the car. We were feeling secure in our relationship (which thankfully, is the norm). I asked him, “What quality in another person would be tempting because I don’t have it?”
Him: “Being understated.” This was the hilarious part. I really am anything but that, people. I am exuberant and full-throttle and what you would either call sparkling or annoying, depending on your enneagram number.
Me: “Affirmation.”
I told him that sometimes, my occasionally-critical husband needs to just slather on the affirmation. Like pumping lotion from a bottle.
So we now have a mimed symbol, when he is being his uber-direct, enneagram-5 self. With an overeager smile, I pump an imaginary bottle of affirmation-lotion into my hands, and smear it over my shoulders.
Though in some ways we represent different extremes, each of us critically needs the other.
“Aha” moments–about the ones we love
Knowing our tendencies via personality profiles like the enneagram helps us toward some of those “aha” moments of understanding our spouse not as foreigner, but as one flesh (Genesis 2:25). It helps us ask good questions of each other, and better comprehend each other’s unique pain and deeply-felt needs.
(As a two, it’s flayed open some of my less-than-pure motivations, and patterns that sabotage my marriage.)
Less-than-ideal enneagram compatibility has shown us we may need to work harder than some couples at seeing eye-to-eye. And honestly? Sometimes we don’t.
But that’s also what makes us a powerful team.
Enneagram compatibility can’t be a deal-maker or deal-breaker for me. Because God has a long, illustrious history of pairing people together in marriage or on a team who are straight-up different, for God’s honor and a more holistic representation of who he is (think Paul and Silas, Ruth and Naomi, Mary and Martha).
Even for people outside my marriage with whom I normally clash, I can’t biblically say, “I don’t need you” (1 Corinthians 12:23). They’re a chance not for me to say, “Sorry, we’re just not compatible!”–but instead, “You make me more holy. Let’s talk.”
(But maybe bring your bottle of affirmation-lotion. Just sayin’.)
According to the article, 31% admitted quarantine caused “irreparable damage” to their relationships.
Chances are decent you know a friend whose marriage is straining right now: Their reality is one of slammed doors. Words they never thought they’d say. Tears dripping in the dark.
They’re also grappling with bewilderment, shame, searing hurt.
FamilyLife, my largest client, asked me to compile some ideas so you could help a friend–and even some hope for the friend themselves.
For what it’s worth, if you’re this kind of friend, with the long phone calls, the prayers, the embraces where your shoulder gets wet? I’m imagining your the Jesus-in-Levis your friend desparately needs right now. I love, love that you’re going the distance for your friend, doing the hard work no one else might be able to do right now.
Please. Keep pressing on.
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