THE AWKWARD MOM

because uncomfortable conversations are the ones worth having

Category: closeness and intimacy (page 2 of 9)

Spiritual Health When You’re Busy: 7 Easy Ways

Reading Time: 4 minutes

spiritual health

Let’s get real. You may be even a little too busy to read this post.

Or maybe you’re tired of picking up things with a lot of pieces. Or trying to find the owner of the toenail clipping on the table. (These have all been me.) read more

2 (Non-Gift) Gifts to Give Your Kids this Month

Reading Time: 4 minutes

gifts to give your kids

In a couple of weeks, my youngest turns 13. Which means I will soon be parenting four teenagers. Which means my prayer life is thriving.

As some parents of tweens chatted with my husband and me last week, I recalled some of the best advice given to us for parenting teens: Keep them talking. Keep the relational bridge open.

It’s great advice for all of parenting, right? But at times with each of my kids, that’s required supreme effort. read more

Why Your Marriage Needs Sex (& other recent articles)

Reading Time: 2 minutes

needs sex

When my four kids were little and life resembled a 24-hour Bounty commercial, I read a statistic in Parents magazine that something like 78% of new moms, when choosing between sex and sleep, chose sleep.

Um. Duh. read more

Questions to Take Your Relationship With God Deeper

Reading Time: 2 minutes

relationship with God

This week on a phone conversation with a friend, she asked what’s become our custom at the end of our calls: What’s one intimate prayer request I can pray for?

It was probably telling that I didn’t really know. read more

2021 Best Posts of the Year!

Reading Time: 3 minutes

But for the last few days, I’d been sifting through a few emotions about 2022. A new year comes with some gravity–especially after a tough 2021 for my family.

Recently I completed a yearly prayer of Examen–my second year of a new personal tradition. Like the Israelites standing at the Jordan and choosing stones of remembrance (Joshua 4), I’m looking back at how I’ve seen God writing His story in and around me. And how his presence has met me there. read more

Presence: Ideas to be All There with Your Kids

Reading Time: 4 minutes

presence

When I first arrived back after living in Africa, it surprised me. I discovered it over lattes, or in the church foyer, or checking out at the grocery store.

I realized a lot of people were hungry, starved even, to be listened to. To have someone look them in the eye, even for a few seconds, and be with them. Undistracted. Agenda-free. Curious. Empathetic. read more

Questions for a Closer Marriage (FREE PRINTABLE)

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Before my husband’s last (pre-COVID) international trip, I realized one of the things I miss most about him.

As he was packing–so methodical, everything in precisely-sized containers, shirts carefully folded over a packing template–I told him quietly, “See, you humanize me.”  read more

Mini-date! Mastering the Art of Quick Connections

Reading Time: 4 minutes

mini-date

This is one of those posts where I need to hand it to my husband. He’s a master of the mini-date (and he probably hadn’t heard of those till I told him about this post).

I read the following from a reader of Real Simple this month–in answer to the question, “What do you admire about your parents’ relationship?”

“Even if it’s just a silly thing, like taking out the trash together every Monday night, they always carve out time to connect. May parents have been married for 36 years because they’re masters of the minidate.” (@thedapple_)

So this made me realize all the cool ways my husband does this–and ways I’ve learned to do it back. It means our day brims with potential for little touchpoints, especially when we’re both working from home.

“What’s a mini-date?”

Mini-dates are all about intentionally forming intimate connection in the little moments. It turns something as simple as driving or making the bed together into a time that says, I see you.

What your mini-date isn’t

A mini-date doesn’t substitute for longer, more meaningful conversations or quality time. It’s not so you can check off your box: Well. You should be satisfied for the day!

(It’s like how quickie sex can be a nice little addition to a day, but you wouldn’t want every sexual encounter to be record-setting in that particular way…?)

Note: Mini-dates are also not a great time to bring up what’s irritating you about your spouse. (Nothing screams “romance” like “You never put the toilet paper on the holder,” right?)

The mini-date you might be missing

Maybe like me, you have four kids, but it feels like six. You could be hoping your next mini-date doesn’t involve a diaper pail (at least not one you’re carrying) or scrubbing something out of the carpet.

Wondering when or where a mini-date could happen?

  • prepping dinner
  • getting ready for bed or winding down after the kids’ bedtime
  • getting dressed
  • loading the dishwasher
  • driving
  • calling to your spouse on the drive home (this was us last Friday night)
  • grabbing a cup of coffee at home
  • while one of you (…or both?) takes a shower
  • massaging your mate or rubbing their feet or hands
  • making a simple snack together (smoothies? Nachos? popcorn?)
  • ducking out to go to a drive-thru
  • going on a walk around the block
  • tossing a football
  • bringing your mate a pick-me-up (“I saw you didn’t have lunch. Here’s a sandwich.” “I made you a cup of coffee.”)
  • stepping outside at night beneath the stars or in a snowfall, maybe with a shared blanket around your shoulders
  • Crated with Love has even more great mini-date ideas here.

How to make a mini-date

Ask good questions that help you see your spouse’s world. Bonus: The more you mini-date, the easier it is for you to get deeper in the future.

Some of my husband’s and my fave mini-date questions:

  • How are you right now?
  • What’s been on your mind? What’s sticking with you?
  • What is (was) that like for you?
  • What was one “win” in your day today? (Hint: Get excited about your spouse’s wins with them. Two studies show there’s a close correlation between a couple sharing good news [called “capitalization”] and their happiness. It’s a better indicator of relational satisfaction than talking about what’s hard.)
  • What was your “low” for the day? (Tip: Only use this question paired with the question above.)
  • What are you hoping today/tonight will look like?
  • What do you need right now?
  • How can I pray for you today?

Other tips:

  • Keep a mental sticky note of funny stuff you see each day. It’s great to start or end any mini-date with a laugh.
  • It’s inevitable little matters of business will come up (who’s picking up the kids). Just prioritize: Can you talk about other business later? Or is this more important than connecting, so no family member is left at the orthodontist for the rest of the winter?

mini-date

When you want to kick things up a notch

Keep a few items on hand to ratchet up your mini-date:

[Being] Present: 7 Ways to Be “All There” with God This Christmas

Reading Time: 4 minutes

being present

Minor confession: In the midst of putting out our family’s prayer letter last week…I declined a call.

My husband walked into the kitchen, and I had this look like your dog would when it pees on the carpet.

I explained my sheepishness. “Why do you feel guilty about that?” he asked, direct as ever.

“I want to be the kind of person who will drop everything and be present with whoever needs it,” I shrugged.

His eyes had this kind look around the edges. “You know you can only be present by shutting other stuff out, right? You’re present with our financial supporters [my husband and I are supported missionaries with Engineering Ministries International] right now. When you’re present with someone else, you’re shutting out other things you could be paying attention to.”

I literally thought about the post I wrote about being distracted with others–and how to be fully, powerfully present. We all know what it’s like to compete with headphones or a smartphone.

So often in my attempts to be everywhere, to be everything to everyone, I’m not “all there” with anyone.

Being present is about being there…by not being somewhere else. 

So to be present, it’s fair to say there are boundaries involved. 

When it comes to Christmas, being present with God is sucked away by schedules and material stuff and worry: the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it proves unfruitful (Mark 4:19).

The Psalmist prays, Unite my heart to fear your name (Psalm 86:11). I wonder if I was on God’s mind when he penned this one…because at Christmas, my heart can be going in about 167,856 directions at once.

I’m just not all there with him.

So I’m pulling ideas together to help me/you hone in on being “all there” this Christmas, starting with our audience of One.

being present

Don’t do something.

To an already-packed schedule, Christmas can feel a bit like “more bricks, less straw.”

If your goal is being present in the ways that matter, cut out a few of the “have-to’s” that aren’t.

Could we do photo Christmas cards rather than hand-signed…or let go of cards altogether? Could I forego making frosted Christmas cookies if the kids really don’t care about it, or would probably fight the whole time? Do we have to have handmade gifts for teachers, or could we go with Starbucks cards?

Allow a little more margin for a peaceful, thoughtful state of mind rather than one rattled, and sprinting to keep up. Think Martha versus Mary here.

Pray that God will open your eyes to what entangles and distracts your heart from really soaking in the Christmas message this year—and that you’ll have the courage to cut it loose.

(…Or decline the call.)

Listen.

If you’re moved by music, spend a few dollars and a few extra minutes on iTunes for songs that will get worship rolling around in your head and your heart.

Download

an advent devotional, like this one from Desiring God.

Or if you’d like some more specific, personal questions, try Deeper: 12 (Printable) Journaling Ideas for a Christmas of the Soul.

Hijack your traditions.

Kids can learn being present with God, too. Consider an advent calendar that—alongside the ubiquitous sugar—leads your family closer to Jesus. I like this printable one from Faith Gateway.

Younger kids might enjoy making Jesus a birthday cake (cake mix! whipped cream! Keep this easy…) and singing “Happy Birthday” on Christmas.

Hone in.

Pick one name of Jesus (“Prince of Peace”) or verse (“I am the Lord’s servant; may it be to me as you have said”) or character from the Christmas story that sticks out. Or ask God to point out one.

Chew on that as you go through the season, and listen as God fleshes out its meaning.

Being present: In what ways does your heart worship?

Author Gary Thomas writes of the various ways we worship as individuals: through nature, restoring justice, through our intellect, etc.

Carve out time for the ways you worship, being present through a walk in the snow, a prayer time in the quiet of the Christmas tree lights, or shoveling a neighbor’s snow.

Ask Him.

You’ve heard the old warning: If the Devil can’t make you bad, he’ll make you busy.

This may seem like a “duh”—but consider a question like this one: God, I know how everyone else thinks I should spend my day today. How do you want me to spend it, to be faithful to you and love well? And Help me know how my holiday can be about increased worship and enjoyment of You.

 

Help me keep the main thing the main thing.

 

If you like these ideas on being present, grab 25 to Decorate Inside for the Holidays.

(I pulled these together for FamilyLife.com. It’s got even more specific ideas.)

Like this post? You might also like

All There: Tips on Being Fully, Powerfully Present

All There: Tips on Being Fully, Powerfully Present with God (FREE PRINTABLE)

 

Christian Mindfulness: How It’s Changing Me

Reading Time: 7 minutes

Christian mindfulness

My father is the broad-shouldered, strong, internal teddy bear type, with fingers like sausages. In my childhood, he was a Midwestern farmer.  In his spare time, he donates his mad skills to car repairs of missionaries, single moms, people like that. He’s that kind of guy.

And it’s common for him to come back into the house with blood zigzagging down his leg or seeping through his shirt.

The part that amuses me?

Most of the time he’s baffled when someone points it out. I’m bleeding? Where?

The guy has low body sensitivity to the nth degree. Soft heart. Kevlar body.

In my own way, I’m a version of this. I am an enneagram 2. This is to say, I am hyper attuned to the needs of others. I personally, subconsciously block out my own, as well as emotion and all that.

In fact, I tend to associate my needs with shame.

I could have metaphorical blood ruining things I touch, smearing on people I love, and the annoyance of some vague discomfort interfering with my relationship with God.

And often I’d be shocked to realize it’s there.

Christian Mindfulness: What is it?

Peter Scazzero reminds us,

When we do not process before God the very feelings that make us human, such as fear or sadness or anger, we leak. Our churches are filled with “leaking” Christians who have not treated their emotions as a discipleship issue.*

Which is perhaps why a “secular” practice–mindfulness–has been a game-changer in my relationship with God and other people.

Maybe I’ve already alienated a few of you with my reference to the enneagram, which has drawn both legitimate Christian praise as well as concern. Mindfulness, too–even “Christian” mindfulness–draws understandable praise and concern.

Essentially, mindfulness is a form of holistic awareness. An observance of ourselves.

The dictionary defines it as “a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.”

What Christian Mindfulness Looks Like for Me

Christian mindfulness takes many avatars for me–like solitude, meditation, and simply being present with God (don’t miss this post and free printable).

I’m currently using a very basic workbook to help me every morning. It asks me the same questions every day.

  • what I’m feeling
  • what I’m grateful for
  • how I want to help people today
  • how I want to make today more enjoyable or interesting (this is undeniably the hardest stinkin’ question, with the shortest answer)

At the end of the day, it asks

  • when I was energized
  • when my energy dropped
  • what I’m grateful for now

I actually love this practice–and sometimes it has a way of pivoting my quiet time.

As I wrote in this post, it wasn’t uncommon for me to engage in time with God, but then later find myself crying because of something I’d never acknowledged or dealt with in his presence.

Think of sitting down with a friend for coffee, but never touching on what’s actually pricking our souls. Like anyone would do that. (Pro tip: Our ability to be present with God profoundly affects our ability to be present with others.)

How Awareness Changes Me

My husband, who I associate with safety, has a way of tugging my stomped-down emotions and experiences to the surface. I think about this, and crave more of it in my relationship with God.

As Jen Pollock-Michel writes,

communion with God…is intended to be as intimate as sexual love. Prayer is meant for undressing us, for making it possible for us to know and be known by God. Pretense in prayer is a lot like kissing with your clothes on.**

Part of this “kissing with your clothes on”, for me, is in part because of my approach to God; to change in my own heart. Before, I have to come to God believing change happens within me when I learn.

Too many church services are often structured this way: to help us think or act, but not to begin with listening. Being. Bringing the entirety of our human experience into worship.

But as James K.A. Smith warns,

What if, instead of starting from the assumption that human beings are thinking things, we started from the conviction that human beings are first and foremost lovers? What if you are defined not by what you know but by what you desire? What if the center and seat of the human person is found not in the heady regions of the intellect but in the gut-level regions of the heart? How would that change our approach to discipleship and Christian formation?***

So taking time to “fix my eyes on Jesus”–as well as how he’s interacting with my heart, the interplay between us–changes our relationship.

As John Calvin famously penned, “Without knowledge of self, there is no knowledge of God.” Practicing Christian mindfulness, welcoming God into the intensities and sometimes fickle fluctuations of my internal world?

It’s caused me to love him more.

Bonus for my family and friends: I love them [a lot] better.

I deal with my stress in God’s presence, I tend less to visit those sublimated emotions on family. (My frustration in that conflict at work. Exhaustion, with which I need God’s help. My sense of being overlooked or unappreciated…).

Then, I seek that appreciation or peace or stamina or identity from God–rather than ramming outer control forward for an inner chaos.

Rather than blustering in to “listen” to a friend? I can set aside my agendas and cravings, and just be with them.

Christian mindfulness

Mindfulness: The caveats

Mindfulness doesn’t have Christian roots per se–barring God’s constant commands toward alertness, meditating on God’s Word, awareness of our own hearts.

In that sense, “Christian mindfulness” is something to which God called us far before Buddhism took a breath. (Check out verses like Psalm 139:23-24,  Romans 12:2, Mark 14:38, 1 Corinthians 4:4, Psalm 19:14, 1 Peter 5:8, and 2 Corinthians 10:5, for starters.)

Mindfulness in the secular sense can potentially lead to

  • self for answers and disproportionate focus, rather than tuning the knobs of our hearts to God. As this article points out, the answers really are not within ourselves. Jesus is the light, truth, and way our hearts crave (John 8:12, 14:6).

  • “emptying the mind”–which reminds me of the dangers of being drunk/out of control, rather than under the control of the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 5:18). That vulnerability can also lead to influence by our mutual Enemy (1 Peter 5:8). Mindfulness can be used for greater awareness of reality rather than escaping it.

  • pantheism.

My Disclaimer

I should acknowledge that using these methods is my own personal decision, borne out of my conviction that even what’s been used by other religions for evil can be used by Christians for good.

Paul seemed to examine similar convictions between those who felt comfortable eating meat sacrificed to idols, and those who didn’t.

Upon examination–I exercise with workouts created by non-believers, perhaps who make fitness a kind of religion. I take medicines invented by doctors who exalt science. In Africa, I used the muezzin’s call from the mosques as a routine reminder to pray for Muslims’ salvation.

But as Augustine famously writes, all truth is God’s truth.

In short, my thought is to be like the Israelites before they left Egypt. They sought riches from their enslavers, and put that wealth to use for God and His people (Exodus 12:36).

Personally, I use these methods only to increase my own worship of God.

But I write this post with trepidation (…and procrastination). I understand the potential for other believers to stumble if other than Christian mindfulness methods are used for anything but his purposes.

“How can I develop Christian mindfulness?”

Mindfulness isn’t just for enneagram 2’s! Threes have a difficult time acknowledging emotion. Sevens avoid pain. Ones may motor past emotion to get to the “right thing to do”–and forego doing that right thing from the heart. You get the idea.

Ready for some practical methods to make this a reality?

      • Maintain a gratitude journal.

       

        • When entering into your prayer time, take moments to breathe deeply, just coming into God’s presence–ready to listen and interact with your whole heart.

         

        •  

            • At the end of the day, process how you interacted with God’s presence using the Prayer of Examen.

             

              • Rather than approaching your time with God as a time strictly to learn and build knowledge, consider these moments to build your love of and knowledge of God by relating with him. He speaks through your life circumstances, too. (Richard Foster observes that this is one form of meditation.)

               

                • Without jeopardizing my sense of the holiness of God, sometimes it’s easier for me to come wholeheartedly to God when I imagine sitting down with a close friend, or on a date night. I imagine how I’d respond if God asked how I was, what I was thinking, what’s really going on.

                 

« Older posts Newer posts »

© 2024 THE AWKWARD MOM

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑

Show Buttons
Hide Buttons